The Assquatch is similar to its remote brethren, the famed Sasquatch, yet the Assquatch chooses a diet rich in grasses and apples (as opposed to eating hikers’ heads like apples).

This sedentary and gentle marvel is extraordinarily elusive, and this photo, snapped by a child on an Instamatic in the mid-1970s, is the only visual record known to exist. However, over the years, numerous nature-goers have reported hearing a loud rustling, and a shrill “hee-haw,” often preceded by a warm, loamy, flatulent scent.

Special thanks to TM for the archival work required to discover this wonder!



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